Funny Facebook Statuses (200+ statuses)

Funny Facebook Statuses are a great way to make your wall look nice. Also it can help you in attracting tons of comments on your updates. So if you have been searching for some funny line, joke or punch for you facebook status update then I may assure you that you are on the right place.

Funny Facebook Statuses 

So just read on.

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
• WHAT Is Education..? Education is a process of wasting half of our life to learn how to waste remaining half of our life.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• When dogs fart, they look at their own bum. When people fart, they look at the person next to them.  hmmmm...
• A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!
• I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…
• I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me .
• My computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Fighting for peace is like fu#k#ng for virginity.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I went up 2 my smartest friend  and asked  what does idk, g2g, and ttyl mean? and he said i dont know, got 2 go, and talk to u later. so i said fine! bye!
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Women might be able to fake orga$m$. But men can fake a whole relationship.
• Today police came to my house today and said " your dog was caught chasing a person on a bike" i said " last time i checked my dog didn't have a bike".-_-
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
• If you can't immediately name the dumbest person in your family, it's because it's you.
• Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.
• I know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling.
• My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
• A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
• If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
• Sometimes your Knight in shining armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
• Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
• Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag  :D
• NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
• Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
• Texting + Facebook = Textbook... So I'm studying right? ;)
• I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 cuz my yogurt expires in 2013!
• Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruits.
• U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
• Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
• Forcing my dog to learn how to google.
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
• A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
• I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
• Although throwing my phone may not fix it, I still feel like doing so somehow teaches it a lesson.
• Science directory: if it moves, it's biology. If it blows up, it's chemistry. If it's useless, it's physics.
• "People are funny: They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like" LOL!
• Comment me what you are to me:    Boyfriend , Sister , Brother , mother , BEST FRIEND, Friend, Random, Old Friends ?    (:
• One Day I Was Looking At My Calender And I Noticed The Weirdest Thing EVER! I WAS BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY :O
• Photography, one of the few jobs where you are allowed to "shoot" people.
• Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
• An ordinary person will be with books, but an extra ordinary person will be in that book. Be an extra ordinary person like ME.! See I'm on Facebook.
• You know you're in a trusting relationship when you can lay your cell phone down with out being afraid of what your partner might see on it.
• I used 2 hate weddings..All the old aunties would poke me and say "UR NEXT! UR NEXT!". They soon stopped that when I started doing the same 2 them at funerals!
• Everyone complaining about this NEW FACEBOOK! But you all are still on here.
• Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces!!!
• I know where you are and what you're doing. You're at your computer, reading my status. Amazing, huh?
• Nights like this make me wanna lay down in the street, look up at the sky and forget about everything...but due to the fear of being run over by a car i wont :)
• I'm thinking about changing my Facebook name to "no one" so when i friend request someone it says "no one wants to be ur friend" haha :D
• How to tell the difference between a drunk and stoner: A drunk drives through the stop sign, but the stoner stops and waits for it to turn green!
• When a woman says 'WHAT' to a man, its isn't that she didn't hear him..she is just giving him a chance to change his words before he is screwed..!
• I want u in my room, in my bed, under my blanket, with the lights off...so I CAN SHOW U MY GLOW IN THE DARK BRACELETS!
• Everything that makes sense to me, confuses others... Everything that makes sense to others, confuses me!!
• never be normal just be yourself
• Can you find the mistake 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20. Like if you found it
• Foreigners were asked to use Green, pink, and yellow in a sentence. the result: "when the phone goes green, green, green i pink it up and say yellow"
• Universal Truth: Sun rises in the East... Fact: Sun neither rises nor sets, it's only EARTH that rotates.. Moral: Education kills our Common Sense
• I think that FaceBook should more options for POKES, like: Tickle, slap, punch, stab, and kick
• Wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
• Oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
• I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
• Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
• X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
• what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
• Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
• Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
• Saw a butterfly that couldn't fly the other day. I poured some of my Red-Bull on it and BOOM! it drowned
• Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
• Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
• The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
• If only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
• Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
• Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
• The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
• If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
• There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
• I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
• By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
• The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
• Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
• Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
• Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
• People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
• When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
• Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
• Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• Mr. X is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
  
• Kate used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
  
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
• Dave is Loading ████████████ 99%
  
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.
  
• Dave says, "Hi, my name is Damineve. The 'mime' is silent.
  

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